ZHIJUN :D

I don’t think anyone needs me in their life
other than my family
In the first place, i don’t even think i’m supposed to be in this family.

Things are meant to fall apart.
But i guess everything collapse in my world?
Nights when i got nobody to talk to? nights when my phone didn’t receive a single text/call
I hate going to school
i hate the fact that i have to wear that smile and say that i’m fine cheerfully
I do not want to lie to my friends

H said that i have a tendency to keep everything to myself
All my twitter followers just said i’m so emo nemo
I’m sorry
I’m really sorry
I have huge difficulties opening up to someone.
I insist on staying strong on the outside

I’m left with nothing.
Should i be happy that i have nothing to lose?
Or
should i be angry over the fact that i cause all these with my two hands

So what if i’m a social butterfly in school?
I still find myself friendless when outside school hours
I’m very scared
I don’t want to go through these all over again
When i lose my best friend
I got nobody to seek
I’m socially awkward outside school
ah……
why am i so useless.

er.. i dont think anyone will be reading this but i just feel like typing things away….
Basically im way more active on tumblr these days, partly because all the quotes etc srsly expressed my inner thoughts.
I found out im seriously emotionally dependant on someone.
it is like i want their total attention. I can die w.o them
Recently i just had a fight with one of my friends
I chose to quarrel as i dont realy like that aspect of my friend
But after 8 days? i gave in as i seriously cant stand the fact that i dont have anybody talk to. & it is impossible to see the change
I know my dear twitter friends are concerned about me
or even those who noticed my not so happy mood/face/gestures in school
Love u all.

S. I srsly hate you. U simply took everything away from me. I want to tell u that u r still sucking my happiness away. WHY R U COMING BACK TO BOTHER ME. i know u meant no harm *I GUESS* BUT SRSLY.
ARGHHHH
U are like a scar. No more pain BUT I always will rmb the pain inflicted.
WHY…………..why………why……………………………………
WHY was i so foolish that i placed TOTAL emphasis on you. WHY did i make such a risky investment in you.
Im too dumb. Now i’m srsly afraid. VERY scared that i will go back to the state that i barely walked out
R, WHY U SUDDENLY COME BACK ALSO. like WOAH u totally climbed up the priority ladder at an exponential rate!
like u are soo significant to me. That i think i will fall for you again. Geez thank god i didnt falll that deep.
But THANKS FOR DISAPPEARING AFTER BEING SO NICE TO ME.

SIGH
sometimes i really hate my own personality & character
i want people to care for me, but i seem to give absolute no hint that im hurt.
Or even if i rant on twitter i will just say im fine with a smile
whats with all the disguise, crying at night, loneliness?!
Y U SO DUMBFUCK ZHIJUN

i experimented sth.
that is to not initiate conversations with ppl.
& SADLY NOBODY GAF ABT ME.
my phone was FUCKING quiet. THAT IS LIKE SO FUCKING PATHETIC.
to the extent i dress up nicely to go out shopping alone
HOW NICE RIGHT
the popular social butterfly in sch caught shopping alone
major embarassment

GUESS WHAT. i lost all my connections in sec sch
IM LIKE PRACTICALLY A LOSER
it is like u see ur jc friends hanging out with their sec school mates
HELLO IM SO FUCKING JEALOUS
everything cannot be undone.
i caused all of these with my own hands.
i hope i can depart from the world. but they also wont give a shit
n srsly i know some of u care but it is hard for me to feel that.
You need hell loads of commitment to open me up
my walls are getting higher. thanks to all the damage i received.
Nobody knows what im going through, the emotion trauma.
im like totally neglected. Sister doesnt give a shit about me due to her hectic uni life
who do i have to talk to? WHO?! u all said u all will be there for me?
where were you all? Forever friends are bullshit
I treat you as my best buddies. but do i have that fucking equal placing in you? I DOUBT SO
W. we havent been talking for months
B. u are like on n off
J. sigh
R. you went missing .
M. i see you happily with others
G. u are busy……
i know i cant possibly monopolise my friends But…………
ARGHHHH IM SO UTTERLY DISAPPOINTED WITH SELF.
Why did i get so used to all the company that i cant survive properly once all these are taken away?
Am i taking them for granted?

GUESS WHAT? im totally not looking forward to my birthday
i most probably will be rotting at home. HOW AWESOME N PATHETIC LOW ZHIJUN FML.

& im crying like hell

I’m the girl who tries to be nice to everyone then gets taken advantage of.
I’m the girl who tries to look pretty and it’s never good enough.
I’m the girl who acts like she’s happy then goes home and wishes to be gone.
I’m the girl who takes harsh words, act like they’re nothing then goes home and cries.
I’m the girl who tries to get her point across and could never find the right words.
I’m the girl who has more depth to her then everyone thinks.
I’m the girl who hides from the harsh eyes.
I’m the girl who wouldn’t care if you gave me a shitty gift as long as you thought of me.
I’m the girl that prays that someone will finally understand. I’m the girl that gets happy over the little things. I’m the girl that people misinterpret.

I dislike my life at home. Please i need time to go abit faster so i can be independant enough to live alone.
seriously they made me cry EVERYDAY.
sa1 was pure crap. Sleeping during wee hours made it worse
Im gonna get screwed up big time by siblings for my horrendous sa1 results
Training was fun. the only escape from reality moreover burn fats
March hols was beri bawring cos im out of cash. FML

Stop searching. He will come and find you 😀

HI Im feeling better already
thanks to some lovable ppl in sch. MUACKS U ALL

Basically i studied chem until like going to 3am? i started ard 1 am after talking to brandon wee
So woke up ard 6 pls. Caught the 7am bus
NORMALLY, i wun be late when im on that particular bus 21.
HOWEVER, today suay suay late -.-
Thank god i wasnt alone, theres elissa n sharmaine with me
CME was CRAP. NG AH WAS NAGGING AT US NON-STOP .grrrrrr
Feedback session was good but i guessed all will be shot down
Maths lect. omg guo hao n huimin are like behind me. Guoham superrrrrrrrrrrrrr noisy laaaaaa
Vic was pissed at herself. At that point i was still moody n emoing.
totally feel her la

Went for 1 hr break. managed to catch some frens that im closer with, they all told me to heck that hater n all scold her loserballz keyboardwarrior.
heheheheh me n muanting were like talk to ppl we trust. dun talk to guys HAHAH
Was talking to nic cos she was also emoing.
Chem lab
it was so tiring somemore shaur en was away due to dental (she removed her braces le!)
did titration. Quite mafan n i was like kneeling on the chair to reach the top on the pipette. Ya im short
Kept overshot so results (edited)
Maths tut was blah. I catch no balls as usual
Break : caught joelynn lim . hahah chitchat awhile. She cut her hair! not so straight anymore
Gp essay : omg my brain is like totally fried. The questions r difficult too /faints
was msgin weiliang the whole time. hahah PINKY SWEAR!
CHEM TEST : dun talk abt it it is toooooooooooooooooooo horrible
After tat , chiong lab report w. nic n vic. damn joke. we r like laughing to ourselves.

went home after tat
Seriously school is the best place.
LOVE ALL.

Lonely lonely lonely me.
Crying Crying Crying me
dying dying dying me

hi all!
just feel like typing stuff instead of studying for my chem test
Anyway Many things have happened
for example CNY n Friendship wk
This year Cny was not that good cos i didnt get to receive alot of angbaos
plus i lost quite an amount of fortune due to gambling
But it was rather well spent with my friends 😀

friendship wk!
The first day was V.day
the day i went ard the sch with more than 10 balloons
It was really fun 😀 my balloons are well drawn k!
Can totally see who r the popular ones n who r the fortunate ones
im blessed by those who gave me stuff
I.e shaur en for ur flower, rochelle for ur cupcake , andy for ur bottle of stars, alyssa for ur antiv.day cookie, charmaine for ur crunchies , ethel for ur royce chocolate, weimin for ur chocolates chandini for ur muffin!. N the balloons ppl! MUACKS ALL
the photos turned out very nice 😀 good hair day for me too muahahh Pls go fb to see for urself
But disgusted by some girls dont wan to talk abt it
Second day of the week!
total defence day!!
it was fun at the various booths 😀
the fire drill = camwhore session w. muanting n s09 ppl
painted my face green with qq hm monique terry n all
hahahha it was hard to remove cos that guy gave an ultra thick coat for me
alot ppl were like TERRORIST! or hey zhijun u looked better like that eh
so mean but im used to it hahaha

wed
it was nth much basically there was volleyball trg with the new j1s
Frankly speaking they r better than some of the j2s
But i dun wan the j2s to be kicked out of the team.. quite impossible
haiz im impartial when it comes to this kind of stuff
Awesome training anyway 😀

thurs : I ponned sch to make a trip down to the polyclinic
Got medicine for my eyes nose n throat.
told off by the doctor cos i was sick for more than a week :X
then toured ard bedok. got my contacts n stuff

friday!
basically it was a total waste of time to go to srjc and it rained
so the friendly match is postponed  -.-
The carnival was okay la… partly becos of things that happened on thurs night!

Thurs night >
Cried again while talking to gabriel FYI he was consoling me but yea hahah
it was a past issue that i cried several times over it
for example when i read muanting blogpost last year
it is about friends. i simply sucks at this kind of things
it might be because of the friendship wk then got some effect on me
all those mentioned above did prove that i have an fabulous time in sch
but i have no idea what is real n whats not
I even felt friendless n lonely
it is not like i dun treat u guys as friends
im that kind of person who dont like to share my piece of life
perhaps it is too boring for many. Haiz
I should open up more based from many ppl
but it is difficult, i dont know how to open my mouth n initiate cos it just brings down the mood
Plus if i emo in sch people will think i AA
im clueless on what to do. Just be myself? i get haters wts.
Im so helpless.
i have no idea why nowadays i found myself loitering the school alone.

Speaking of AA issue, got anonymous asking qns on formspring
saying that im ugly n act popular n big in school
hi i no ned you to tell me that im ugly
i know that very well. I see my own reflection.
I dont act popular n big in school, i just happened to be loud n enthu when i see my friends.
Haiz haters. Get a life n stop bothering my friend muanting as well.
We have a life unlike u loserballz

Anyhow, went out alone ytd! to plaza sing & bras basah
to upgrade my phone to O.S 2.2 *not much diff leh tmd waste my time. now have to redl everything. stupid only*
n purchase many stuff.
got my sportshair band from sasa… treat myself to chocolate milkshake
Shopped in daiso for going to an hour ( have to wait for 2 hours for the phone) bought 5 items 😀
then walked around~
after getting my phone.. made my way down to bras basah to get foolscap
Afterall that is like the nearest n largest popular branch.
Should have gotten somebody’s popular card
gotten myself 11 pads of foolscap.
Then bus home~

Seriously i have no idea what am i doing these days. Suicide much. ARGH i hate myself so much now.

Woke up after 8 hrs of slp. Shoik yi ge only. Hahahaha
Studied in subway ytd.
Yog lunch was goooooooooddddd
School was fine
Chem lect was a joke
Teacher kneeling down haiz

I know you all meant well but thr lack of companionship is still there
Falling for the same person isnt fun

K im still sick. Coughing quite badly.
Just finished pw. So proud of myself. Contribute so muchie. Just bought some stationeries and now a lightbulb.
Sometimes i hate myself for being very observant in ppl behaviors and gestures. Thats how i get my gossips. Ppl tell me i observe (:
School was all right. Hanging around with the same ppl
I found out some impression of myself
Most ppl said i look like retainee or thinks i am a retainee or i gt a cao lao face
OR thinks that i know half the j1 cohort or gossip queen or go ard bitching abt ppl
hello im like so kind lar. But it is quite well hidden only
Hahhahaa watever
Should i go sch tmr?

If and only if you…..

OMG IM DOWN W. FLU AND COUGH THANKS TO ALL THE SCREAMING IN USS

omg damn horrible………………………….
*cough cough AHHHHCHOOOOOO*

yeap 2nd week of sch. Not that bad 😀
heehheeh kept kena scandals w. dion
now become er sao for shaun tan n jamie chua.
MD FTW
srsly maths is killing me
14 days SUCK IT UP AND OFF FOR FUCKINGLYTMDKNNLINNAHIA PW

&& i think my heart changed quite quickly heheh